A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water.""But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal.""Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C.""Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city." 蒙特利尔咖啡馆的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的水龙头，结果被水烫伤了。“这太可恶了，”他抱怨道，“标着C的龙头流出的是开水。”“可是，先生，C代表Chaude，在法语里代表'热'。如果您住在蒙特利尔的话就应该知道这一点。”“等等，”那位顾客咆哮着，“另外一个龙头标的也是C。”“那当然，”经理说道：“这个C代表冷。毕竟，蒙特利尔是个双语城市。”我们分享一切
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. 一对老夫妇在汉堡王餐厅吃饭，他们小心翼翼地将汉堡和薯条分成两份。 A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal. 一个卡车司机非常同情他们，就提议想给老太太单独点一份。 "It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything." “没关系的。”老先生说，“我们分享一切。” A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. 几分钟后，卡车司机注意到老太太还没动口吃一点东西。 "I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal," he insists. 他再次对老先生说，“我真的不介意请您妻子吃一顿……” "She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything." “她会吃的，”老先生向他保证，“我们分享一切。” Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?" 司机不太相信，恳求老太太，“你为什么不吃一点？” The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!" 老太太咂咂嘴，“我在等他的假牙。”How much English can you speak?
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English." The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?" The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!" "法官先生，我的当事人被指控偷窃，这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约，几乎不认路。 而且，他只会说几个英语单词。" 法官看了看被告，问道："你会说多少英文？" 被告抬起头，说："把你的钱包给我！"不会犯两次同样的错误
Boy: Hi, didn't we go on dates before? onec or twice? Girl: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. 男孩：嗨，我们之前是不是约会过，是一次还是两次，我忘记了。 女孩：应该只有一次吧，我从不犯两次同样的错误。兄弟俩的对话 Where is the father?
Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings. "Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!" "Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?" The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures." 父亲在哪儿？ 兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。 “看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！” “是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？” 哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”妈妈在砸瓶子
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. The child said, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle." 一个妇人正在使劲打开番茄酱的瓶子。这时，电话铃响了，她叫四岁的女儿去接电话。小孩说：“妈妈现在不能接电话，她在砸瓶子。”Dumas仲马
One day a man was taunting Alexandre Dumas，the greatFrench novelist，with his ancestry． “Why，” snarled the fellow，“you are a quadroon；yourfather was a mulatto，and your grandfather was a negro．” “Yes，” roared Dumas，“and，if you wish to know'mygreatgrandfather was a monkey． In fact， my pedigree beganwhere yours terminates．” 有一天，一个人在嘲弄法国大小说家亚历山大·仲马，讥笑他的祖先。 那家伙厉声说：“唔，你是四分之一黑白混血儿，你父亲是黑白混血儿，而你的祖父是个黑人。” “是的，”仲马大声回敬：“还有呢，如果你想知道的话， 我的曾祖父是一只猴子。其实我的血统起始于你的血统终止的地方。”谁才是有色人种
Dear white, something you got to know 亲爱的白种人，有几件事你必须知道。 When I was born, I was black. 当我出生时，我是黑色的 When I grow up, I am black. 我长大了，我是黑色的 When I’m under the sun, I’m black. 我在阳光下，我是黑色的 When I’m cold, I’m black. 我寒冷时，我是黑色的 When I’m afraid, I’m black. 我害怕时，我是黑色的 When I’m sick, I’m black. 我生病了，我是黑色的 When I die, I’m still black. 当我死了，我仍是黑色的。 you—white people, 你——白种人 When you were born, you were pink. 当你出生时，你是粉红色的 When you grow up, you become white. 你长大了，变成白色的 You’re red under the sun. 你在阳光下，你是红色的 You’re blue when you’re cold. 你寒冷时，你是青色的 You are yellow when you’re afraid. 你害怕时，你是黄色的 You’re green when you’re sick. 你生病时，你是绿色的 You’re gray when you die. 当你死时，你是灰色的 And you, call me color? 然后，你叫我“有色种人”?智力缺陷
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied, "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "Well, what sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' " Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." “医生，你能不能告诉我，”鲍勃问，“对于一个看上去很正常的人，你是怎样判断出他有智力缺陷的呢？”“再没有比这容易的了，”医生回答，“问他一个简单的问题，简单到所有人都知道答案，如果他回答得不干脆，那你就知道是怎么回事了。”“那要问什么样的问题呢？”“嗯，你可以这样问，‘库克船长环球旅行了三次，但是在其中一次的途中他去世了，是哪一次呢？’”鲍勃想了一会儿，紧张的回答道，“你就不能问另外一个问题吗？坦率地说，我对历史了解的不是很多。”A preacher is buying a parrot 传教士买鹦鹉
A preacher is buying a parrot Are you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the preacher. Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures him. Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm. Wonderful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings? I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot. 一个传教士在买鹦鹉 “你确信它不会尖叫，大叫或诅咒别人吗？”传教士问。 “哦，绝对不会。它是一只虔诚的鹦鹉。”店主保证说。 “你看见它腿上的这些细绳了吗？当你拉动右面的这根，它会背诵天主经，当你拉动左面的那根，它会背诵赞美诗” “太棒了！”传教士说，“但是如果我同时拉动两条绳子，会发生什么呢？” “我会从树干上掉下去的，你这个笨蛋！”鹦鹉尖声说道。Who is Stupid?
A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" Little Johnny then stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" 一个老师在对学生们讲心理学，“谁认为自己蠢就站起来？”她一开始就说。 小约翰尼站了起来。 “你认为你很蠢吗，小约翰尼？”老师问。 “不是的，老师，我只是不喜欢看你一个人站着。”Goethe's ToleranceGoe
the was once strolling on a narrow path in a park in Weimar. As luck would have it, he met with a critic who was hostile to him. Both of them stopped, staring at each other. Then the critic said, I'll never make way for a fool. But I will, with that Goethe retreated aside. 一次，歌德正在魏玛一个公园的一条狭窄小道上散步，碰巧他遇见一个对他怀有敌意的评论家。两人都停了下来，彼此相互对视。接着评论家说道：我从来不给傻瓜让路。 可我给，说完歌德退到了一边。Logic Reasoning 逻辑推理
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic. Here is the situation, she said. A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank? A girl raised her hand and asked, to draw out all of his savings? 小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子：有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。 他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么？ 一个女生举手答道，是不是去取他的存款？Motivation 动机
MY ENGLISH PROFESSOR once launched into a lecture on "motivation." "What pushes you ahead?" he asked. "What is it that makes you go to school each day? What driving force makes you strive to accomplish?" Turning suddenly to one young woman, he demanded: "What makes you get out of bed in the morning?" The student replied: "My mother." 我们英文课的教授有一次在课上讲“动机”。“是什么推动你在人生的路上向前走？”他问道，“是什么让你每天上学来？又是什么驱使你追求成功？”冲着一个女学生，他问：“是什么让你早晨从床上爬起来的呢？”学生答道：“我妈妈。”狗住旅店
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" 有个人给一家他计划在假期里停留的小旅馆写了封信，“我非常希望带着我的狗，它很干净很有教养，你能允许它和我睡一间屋子吗?” An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too." 旅馆主人立即回了封信，“我经营旅馆很多年了，狗从没偷过毛巾，床单， 餐具，或者墙上的画。我也从没有在半夜因为狗喝醉胡闹而赶走它，狗也从不不付帐就跑掉。实际上我们非常欢迎您的狗来我们旅馆，如果它为您担保，也欢迎您来。I don't think I know
Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?" John: "What do you think it is, sir?" Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!" John: "I don't think I know either, sir!" 老师：“John，动词ring的过去分词是什么？”。 约翰：“你想它是什么呢”？ 老师：“我不用想，我知道！”。 约翰：“我想我不知道”。哪有人能弯腰弯那么低的
Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him -- his height. or, should I say, his lack of it.One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?" 我们的餐厅经理是一位深受大家爱戴，和蔼而又快乐的人。但在他面前有一件事不能提－－他的身高。或者，我应该说，他是有点矮！一天，经理怒气冲冲地撞门而入，高声说，“有人拿了我的钱包！” 我和其她大部女招待都没敢吱声，但有人却蹦出一句话：“哪有人能弯腰弯那么低的啊”！